SIREN (excerpt from Beasts and Roses)

From the moment my new feet touched the white sands of the shore of his kingdom, she was there. That other woman had already wormed her way into his heart, and so I suppose I was doomed from the beginning of my new life.

I didn’t dwell on this at the time, although I was surprised to see him with a companion. Every time I had watched him from afar he had been alone, utterly alone, as I felt without him.

I had to have him; had to be with him. It was tearing me apart from the inside out until I could neither eat nor rest. All my thoughts were of him. My grandmother was my only helper in my hour of need. Once upon a time she had been a powerful sorceress. Now the practice of magic was forbidden by my father, but my grandmother saw my pain and knew that it would not end.

“I don’t want to see you waste away, my dear,” she had told me. “I cannot bear it. Is there no way you can find happiness as you are now, here with us in the sea?”

I had seen no other way. No future happiness could exist without him. I told her as much in many more words and finally she had nodded and embraced me.

“Then let me give you a gift so that you will not die without tasting of his love, although I pity you, I truly do, for it will not be easy.”

“You will use your magic?” I had no idea if she still knew how, or what she could do to help me.

“Yes,” she gravely replied. “I may be banished for this, but I will help you. I will make a potion to change your form from that of our kind into his. Then you may walk freely upon the same land as he does, and be with him.”

“Be with him,” I had breathed, holding onto this like a life-line. Then I remembered something about magic; the reason it had been banned. “At what cost to me?”

Grandmother looked at me with sad eyes. “You will not walk one step without feeling pain like the pain of knives on your human feet. Can you bear this?”

I was shocked, but nodded. I felt such pain in my heart every day. It would be nothing, if I could be with him.

“Also, I will need something from you to make the potion. A sacrifice of sorts to complete its power. I must cut out your tongue. You will no longer be able to have speech.”

I had swallowed hard and tears began to roll down my face, but I could not turn back. “Very well.”

“There is one more thing, my child. If he does not love you, if he ever marries another, you will die the morning after his wedding, for the power of the potion is bound to his heart.”

I gasped then but said bravely, “He will love me. If he does not, then I do not wish to live anyways.”

“Oh, my dear,” my grandmother said with sorrow deep in her voice. “Knowing all this you truly cannot imagine a life without him?”

“No. I cannot.”

“Then let us make you a new life with him.”

She had made me the potion, cutting out my tongue with a precise and clean cut. A healing balm helped ease the pain, but nothing could prepare me for the pain of my transformation once I drank the potion.

After embracing my grandmother in farewell, I had followed her instructions and swam up to the surface, my tail pushing hard to leave the only world I had known behind me. Sitting on rocks near the shore of his kingdom I had eagerly drunk the potion down and waited to become like him.

The agony seemed to last forever, but slowly the numbingly acute rending of my flesh ebbed away like the flowing tide and I saw myself with new eyes, human eyes and hands and legs and feet. Not a scale marred the perfectly pearl-white skin on my body. The foam had lapped at my toes and I sank back into the water, using my arms to swim for shore and trying to master kicking my new appendages behind me. They were ungainly, but I did not care. I would learn to use them well soon enough.

All the effort I had left I spent getting to shore. Once there, I lay like a dead fish in the sand, with no more to give. That is when I heard his voice shout out and he ran to me, leaned over me as I had leaned over him after saving him from the storm. She leaned over too and I heard her gasp in shock as she realized I was both naked and alive, although I’m not certain which shocked her more.

“The poor thing!” she said it as though it was a required speech, no more.

He already had my head in his lap, trying to prop me up so I could cough up the sea water I had somehow managed to swallow.

“Are you all right?” he asked, his brow deeply furrowed with concern. His blue, blue eyes burned into mine. “Can you move at all?”

I tried to move my legs and sit up, but the transformation and the swim to shore had used up all my energy. I shook my head; I could not move.

“Very well,” he said and scooped me up into his arms, and much to the dismay of the woman, began to carry me toward his castle, near the jagged rocks and sand of the beach.

The woman, I was to learn soon, was the Princess Kamilla Margaréta and she was from the kingdom across the sea. She was beautiful, but I also saw quickly that her beauty was like poison, killing its victims slowly and without too much discomfort until she was their master and they knew no difference.

The palace was all sandstone and rose colors, blending into the bright pink cliffs and standing apart from the white sand and the blue sea. I gazed in amazement around me and was gazed at in return by the people we passed. They were not accustomed to seeing their crown prince carrying a barely concealed nude woman, bedraggled by the sea. The princess had very considerately covered me with her shawl, but still there were gasps of shock and gaping at my state.

“Don’t worry,” he said smiling down at me and at last I learned his name. “I’m Adorján, I am the prince here, so none will harm you or bother you while I command. You are safe.”

His hands around me were warm as he carried me into a large room with a bath already being prepared. The princess followed and gave orders to the servants as though she were their mistress. “We will soon have you warmed and well,” she said kindly enough, although I felt chilled by her words.

“What are you called?” he asked me.

I shook my head. I had no voice, no speech anymore.

“Oh my, she’s mute!” Princess Kamilla gasped. “Poor thing!” I did not like her pity much, but I did feel I deserved some at least.

“Can you write at all?” Adorján asked me. I did not know what he meant by that, except that it must be a human thing. “Well, no matter,” he grinned. “We will give you a name. Let’s call her Cintia. It was my mother’s name.”

“How sweet,” Kamilla simpered, but I was pleased.

Soon he was ushered out and she left with him. I was alone except for a kind but simple maid who helped me wash and dress as best as she could. I had to face the pain of standing on the legs that now were a blessing and a curse. The sharp pain of each step made me gasp for air, for I had no voice to cry out or scream. The maid at first seemed to think I was injured but finally I think she realized that I was whole physically. I hid my reaction and tried to think only of his face, his arms around me and the name he had given me. An affectionate name.

I was led to a room to sleep in and saw how truly grand the palace was. Wide hallways and alcoves with marble statues of sea creatures so familiar to me it made me feel oddly happy to see such things in this strange new place. The dome-like ceilings were painted in intricate patterns of white and blue, weaving together to create something like the ocean waves that could be seen from the enormous open windows, most without glass, that spanned at least one wall in every room.

There were many more servants, coming and going. Now they seemed a little less appalled by my presence. I heard them whisper how I was beautiful and strange; more beautiful than Princess Kamilla, and what did that mean to her now that I was here? Such talk made me smile. Yes, surely Adorján would see my beauty and it would touch his heart the way his had touched mine. There was a mirror in the room they took me too. I had never seen such a thing before, but I had gazed at my own reflection in a shining plate that I had found in a sunken ship once. I knew something of what I would see, but now I realized how truly lovely I was. Yes, I thought, he would love me. I had come here for him. How could he not love me?

He came to me after a while, laden with a tray of food. I had never seen such a meal before and did not know if I could eat it, but I let him coax me to try a few bites and found everything to be delicious even though it was all so new.

“You are so pretty,” he said as he boldly but softly took a lock of my strawberry blonde hair in his hands. They were rough and tan; the hands of a sailor even though he was a prince. I blushed and he smiled. “I don’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable, but I have never seen anyone like you before in my life.”

He let my hair slip through his fingers, but before he could go away I grasped his hand in mine and he let out a startled gasp. I didn’t want him to go. I wished I could tell him who I was, and how every moment in his presence was precious to me. Perhaps there was something in my eyes because he stayed.

“You don’t want to be alone, do you? Of course you don’t. You just been through something traumatic, I’m certain. Well, what shall we talk of?” He smiled and I felt such deep sorrow that I could not truly converse with him as I longed to. He caught my look. “Don’t worry, I’m perfectly good at having a one-sided conversation. Kamilla says I’m quite vain!” He laughed, but I did not like it. He had called her Kamilla, as though she were very close to him.

I put any thought of the princess out of my mind as he spoke to me of his kingdom, gathering from my nodding or shaking of my head if I knew certain things about it. After a time, it felt as if we were indeed carrying on a conversation and I was delighted with how naturally we seemed to get along with each other. He was so charming and knew so many exciting things that I could have listened to his voice go on for hours, but soon he was yawning.

“Oh, I’ve been here too long. It’s getting dark. You should rest and then we will have to find you something more suitable to wear so that you can join us tomorrow for the small assembly we are having here. I’ll have the royal seamstresses make you something as lovely and sweet as you are.”

He gently kissed my hand and then left. Oh, how his perfect manners and kindness toward me filled me with hope; a bright burning hope that blossomed in my chest like the flame in the fireplace, it grew almost out of control as I lay down in the bed and could not sleep because my mind was too full of him. His face was etched behind my eyes when I closed them. I saw him and stared with my mind’s eye, crying with the desperate feelings of love I had for him. I was so close to him! He was perfect. He was everything I had dreamed of and more.

Eventually I must have slept because I was awoken by a harsh sounding female voice. It was that woman. The princess stood over me and she must not have realized that I was awake because her unguarded expression was sour displeasure. She was speaking to several maids who were bringing in fabrics and food and boxes of I knew not what.

I sat up and the princess regarded me. “His Highness wishes to give you these gifts. He asked me to make sure you had everything you need. We so wish to help you so that you may return home safely and properly.” Her tone was even, her smile sincere. She wanted me gone and would do what it took to make it so.

I stood and crossed the room to look at all the finery that Adorján was giving to me. I touched the white silk and the gauzy lace and opened the boxes to find dainty shoes and pearl and chalcedony jewelry. My fingers ran over their cool surfaces and I felt eyes on me. She was watching it all, watching me with a frown on her otherwise lovely face. She glared at my sun-kissed strawberry hair that hung to my hips. Her eyes flicked away when my violet gaze met hers. I wondered if he had ever given her such gifts.

I smiled and gestured to the presents and tried to indicate that I was pleased. The maid set to work at once taking my measurements and cutting fabric and the princess melted away unnoticed and unnecessary. She was going to the prince of course. I was a waste of her time.

* * *

One of the gowns was completed for before the noon meal. It was very beautiful and I felt as though I was floating even though each step gave the same sensation of pointed daggers going through my feet. I was learning to ignore it. I had an inner joy to focus on.

He was there at the end of the hall waiting for me with outstretched hands and a smile on his face. I felt I could not live without that smile ever again. I nearly ran to him and placed my hands in his.

“Well Cintia, my little sea sprite, you certainly look lovely today! I’m pleased they could do so much in so little time. I’m sure they will have another dress ready for you for tonight’s little soiree, but until then I thought we would go out and get some fresh air. Kamilla is preparing for this evening. It takes her all day, but we don’t want to be bored, do we?”

I shook my head and he pulled me with him toward one of the many staircases. Down we whirled in a flurry of movements. He was in a rush to be outdoors and I felt the same longing. I had never been in a structure and I felt strangely trapped despite its beauty.

The day was bright and waiting for us when we emerged through a side door. A servant handed a basket to Adorján and he took it in one hand, never letting go of my hand in his other. We walked up a grassy hill to a garden area that seemed quite wild considering the immaculate state of the palace. Once there he spread out a blanket from inside the basket and sat to take out the remaining contents: a cold lunch that smelled strange, but tasted wonderful to me.

We ate in silence for the most part; me because I could not speak, and him because he was gorging himself on the food. When he finished, he sighed and looked out at the sea below us. “I could see the whole world and never find a better view. How I love the sea! I suppose you must have come from a bad ship wreck. I hope you don’t hate the ocean now.”

If only he knew. I shook my head to show him it wasn’t so. I loved my home, even if there was no place there for me now.

“Well in that case, perhaps I could take you sailing with me sometime, if you aren’t afraid.” He laid his head in my lap and closed his eyes, taking in a deep breath. “You smell wonderful, like the sea. Is it part of you now, I wonder?” My heart leapt in my chest. Of course, he expected no answer, but I smoothed the long hair from his brow. When he opened his eyes again he stared up at me with surprise. “You seem so familiar to me. Why is that? We’ve never met before, have we?”

A tear bloomed in my eye but I did not dare let it fall. The sun moved in the sky and reflected its light on the waves below. Too soon it was time to go back to the palace. He took me by the hand again and led me to the door of my chamber.

“I look forward to dancing with you tonight, my Cintia,” he said in a low voice with a grin on his face. My eyes answered for me. All they could ever say to him was yes.

Later, the palace shone with a brilliance that dazzled my poor eyes which had only ever seen the light of the sun filtered through the haze of the seas. Several maids had helped me into a gown of pale blue that nearly matched my eyes. Princess Kamilla was in his arms already when I joined the throngs of people surrounding them as they danced. They looked smart together, her ivory hair was shining but her head looked weighted down by the heavy jeweled tiara that graced it. Her dress was lemon yellow and it seemed a harsh choice for her, but was very attention getting. I suppose that was her purpose.

I had never danced before, of course, but graceful movements are part of the nature of the sea, so I watched and mimicked what I saw others do and soon was asked to dance by someone. He was tall and handsome and gratefully did not wish to speak much. I was content to whirl around even though the pain in my feet was great, the lovely sounds of the music was greater.

Applause came to my ears as my partner stopped our dance and I realized the music had ended and all were looking at us, at me. A pleasant flush crept into my skin and then Adorján approached me. Ah, why did his face, his smile make my heart sing so? I thrilled when without even asking, he took my waist with his hand as though I belonged to him, which I knew I did. He then gestured for the orchestra to begin again and with a pace that took my breath away, swept me into the dance.

“I didn’t know you could dance so well, my little Cintia,” he said after one turn of the room. “I was quite shocked. You must be a princess to dance so well. Of course, you have good breeding written all over your beautiful face.” He laughed and I smiled. “You are so light on your feet!” He pulled me closer to him and we whirled even faster. I was dizzy and yet had never felt my mind so clear before. I wanted him, wanted to be with him, forever.

Princess Kamilla was not pleased that he had traded partners from her to me. Eventually she must have been impatient when he did not return to her but continued to dance the evening away with me. He was introducing me to a foreign duke when she bluntly came forward and told him in no uncertain terms that he was to dance with her next. I thought I detected a displeased frown slip by on his usually pleasant face, but then he eased her away to comply and I realized that she had more influence on him than I liked.

I watched them dance. It hurt to see him hold her as intimately as he had been holding me not long ago and I realized that this must be what she had felt when she had seen us together. She obviously loved him. I did not blame her for he was very easy to love.

In the days that followed Adorján decided that he would teach me to read and write so that we could communicate better. I think it puzzled him that I could be well bred enough to dance like his idea of a princess, and yet not know how to read and write.

“Some cultures still do not believe in teaching women, I know,” he told me one afternoon as we sat with books in our laps in the garden. “I disagree. I think everyone should be allowed as much knowledge as they are capable of learning. You seem very capable, Cintia.” He winked at me.

He was not the best teacher, but I still could pick up quickly what he was trying to teach and thus we could communicate much better with my written responses to his questions.

Princess Kamilla sometimes kept us company. I think it was more to keep a watchful eye on us than to be friendly toward me. One evening I heard them walking on the other side of the garden on their way to meet me. Their voices carried, although I do not think they realized it.

“You cannot keep her here like a pet or a doll. She must be sent home to her family. Surely they are missing her?” Princess Kamilla sounded desperate.

“She has nowhere else to go; no home to return to. She has told me as much when I asked her. She said she cannot return to her family.” Adorján did not seemed pleased with being pestered by her.

“And you believe her?”

“Yes, I do. She seemed so sad, I couldn’t ask her for details. But what am I to do, simply turn her out of the palace for no reason? She is our friend.”

“Something must be done,” Kamilla said with bitterness. She took her leave once they reached me. I suppose she did not want to pretend to be polite anymore.

Alone with Adorján, listening to him talk about sailing and about the many wonders of his kingdom, all I could think about was how I belonged here with him. But what about Kamilla? She seemed to think that I was out of place, but I felt that she was the dancer out of step. Her ugly attitude toward people seemed so at odds with how Adorján behaved, so why did he keep company with her at all? I tried to ask him about her.

How did you meet the Princess? I wrote.

He read my note and then answered aloud, “She saved me from drowning in a ship wreck not long ago. I owe her my life.” He smiled fondly as he remembered. “She is strong and brave to have done so. Not many would jump into stormy seas just to save a drowning stranger.”

Inwardly I raged. She was taking credit for my deeds! I had saved him. Oh, how I longed to tell him this and now I had the means since I could write. I could tell him that his affection for her was based on a lie, that I had saved him and that I loved him more than she ever could. But I didn’t write any of that, because of a seed of doubt in my mind. Would he even believe me? She seemed to have him very deceived about her nature, which I felt was plain for anyone to see. She was lovely, it was true, but inside she was like a perfectly beautiful fruit that when tasted was sour and rotten.

Not noticing my silence, since that is all I could ever have again, he happily continued speaking. “Tomorrow I will take you both sailing and perhaps for a swim. Both you and I almost died at sea, didn’t we? But we won’t let that rob us of our love for it. That can never change.”